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At The End Of My Life

by Ben Hughes

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1.
at the end of my life when i'm heading toward the light. if it's at all possible i'll find my way to you. i'll find my way to you. when i'm living in heaven or hell or underground. if my eyes can see anything, they will be looking for you. i'll look for you when i die. don't know if it's true all the things that I've heard about dying. but if i never get to see you again, then i guess there's a hell i mean, i really don't want to believe in hell but if i die and you're not by my side then i'll cry, and i'll curse this new life. but if it's at all possible i'll climb right out of that fiery pit. and i'll find my way to you.
2.
Hey Up There 03:10
hey up there can you hear me sing i'm trying to send these words up to you with wings i see your flowing hair and your white wings you must be an angel or at least that's what you make me think. you fed him when he was looking for a meal you smiled at me, and i liked the way it made me feel why can't you just stay? why don't you come on down and stay around when i see you i hear music, it's the most beautiful sound when i was swerving on the road you took the wheel how do you love me? please just tell me how you feel. you fed him when he was looking for a meal you smiled at me, and i liked the way it made me feel now, i'm locked up, please sneak in and find the key if they question you then just tell them you're hear with me i can't believe you'd do all this just for me you stole the key from the guard, and then you set me free. you fed me when i was looking for a meal you smiled at me, and i like the way it made me feel you helped me when i was in a jam you smiled at me, and then took my hand why can't you just stay here?
3.
there must have been an angel watching over me my guardian angel was watching over me i wasn't born with faith and i'm honestly not much of a fake i make mistakes everyday that will make me pay but if there's a god that's trying to warn me or apologize for those times he ignored me he better speak to me in a language i can understand.
4.
Used 03:24
used by you used by him used by her used by them we should all get used to it. saw a lumberjack, man with a saw in his hand lied to the forest calling it his friend. saw a raindrop, man with a storm in his hand promises good things but brought disaster to this land. used by you used by him used by her used by them we should all get used to it. saw a thirsty man with desire in his hands just wanted to feel better and ended up killing another man. why'd you kill that man? used by you used by him used by her used by them we should all get used to it.
5.
wake up everybody knows your fine you can't lie down and fall asleep every time. now, stand up on your own two feet today do what you can to feel ok. knowing life's a process of wasting away. come back from hell don't kill yourself good things come to those who recognize. now, that you can see take what you want from me good things come to those who take what they want. wake up everybody knows your fine you can't lie down and fall asleep every time. now, stand up on your own two feet today do what you can to feel ok. knowing life's a process of wasting away. stay away from hell don't start to question why good things come to those that deserve it in life. now, that you can see take what you want from me good things come to those who take what they want. but, karma will make you check yourself again. get up no, you don't have to feel this way. wake up everybody knows your fine you can't lie down and fall asleep every time. now, stand up on your own two feet today do what you can to feel ok. knowing life's a process of wasting away.
6.
Loyal Bonds 02:38
i just can't accept that i'll never know and that everyone at some point will have to go. i know i should probably talk to someone, but i've been busy wasting my time worrying i'm not making the most of it. i always invest my happiness in shit that won't pay while i'm surrounded by loyal bonds that i continue to alienate. you don't have to watch or listen to me this songs my own personal therapy i'm sorry if it seems selfish, but I'm singing for me. so, i'm just floating down this stream feeling defeated, cause every time I try to stand up and get in life's way it beats me down and puts me back in my place. so, i'm singing for me.
7.
Two 02:49
i love everything in sight and can never choose what is right i wish i could be a falling leaf at least then i could let the wind decide for me. i've been trying to spread around all of this light truth is, i'm dark inside. my brain's been split my whole life i live one life through my left eye and another through my right every decision is an intersection, every choice a war and i'm just trying to get out alive. i've been trying to spread around all of this light truth is, i'm afraid to die. the truth is that i'm dark inside that truth is i'm afraid to die.
8.
i found my light, but it burned out i can't rely on anything for anything length of time i followed many different roads but always end up just alone. (remember you left for a reason) i kept you hanging around like the moon in the sky not even conscious most of the time cause i'm afraid of what i might find if i remove you from my life. i'm not scared to commit but i just won't do it i'm afraid and if i were you i would've left me a long time ago. (remember you left for a reason) i kept you hanging around like the moon in the sky not even conscious most of the time cause i'm afraid of what i might find if i remove you from my life. one day i realize there's more to this life than just what's inside my head and then i'll forget and end up right here where i found my home: confused, alone, trying to figure out life.
9.
Hard To See 03:11
i wish i never knew of your name and life it's been four years i wish i never got to know you back then it's been four years. i've lived, i've died in my head, in my mind regrets haunt me over something that probably wouldn't be worth it it's hard to see, with out opening to experience it.
10.
Young Man 03:15
they left everyone they were so young i am scared, and it doesn't seem real to me. young man, why'd you have to go and two followed him into a place inside our heads that we can't understand. i pray for you that your god wasn't real.
11.
there's a lesson in the clouds enjoy this moment, cause things never stay the same even if you long for yesterday. and rain learns a lesson from the clouds as it falls to the earth every time a cloud dies, it makes way for new birth it's a lesson learned another corner we've turned everything is fuel to burn. now, a tree learns from the rain drops as it does the same thing it let's go of what was inside making room for new life. it's a lesson learned another corner we've turned everything is fuel to burn. everything is fuel to burn. when i'm done with this body i'm in, i'll let go and as something else somewhere else, i'll have a fresh new start again. again, again. cause we all can see life's a circle connecting you and me. it's a lesson learned another corner we've turned it's a lesson learned it's a living we've earned everything is fuel everything is fuel everything is fuel everything is fuel to burn.

about

During this time of my life, I was plagued with a semi-constant, obsessive fear of death. Some friends of mine recently passed away, and I was having a difficult time.

Reincarnation was a concept that helped me cope with their deaths, and it seemed to be the only spiritual belief that made logical sense to me. I latched onto the belief and started paying more attention to the good in life. This is evident in "Lesson Learned" where I say, "When I'm done with this body I'm in, I'll let go, and as something else, somewhere else I'll have a fresh new start again."

I found myself, then lost myself and then found myself again. It seems to be a cyclical pattern in my life, where I'm convinced I've figured it out only to end up right back where I was in the first place.

I remember lying in bed one spring day feeling beaten down by my own way of thinking, when "Wake Up (Check Yourself)" came to me. I hurried down the hall into my music room and recorded the song. It gave me courage to face all the anxieties that life can dump on us.

My father gave me some really great advice during this time when he said, "Ben, no matter how bad things get, they always get better." I've carried that with me ever since. Even in the face of our impending death, and the all the struggles along the way, everything finds a way to level out.

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This is the halfway point of this solo album-a-month project. I have a lot planned for the second half of this year. With the last 6 months, I'm going to cover years 2006-2009, and also plan to do two new releases to show you all who I am these days, and how I sound compared to these old recordings that I've been releasing so far. Thanks for listening.

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Hear what the good people at WXPN's The Key had to say about "At The End Of My Life" here: thekey.xpn.org/2015/06/25/ben-hughes-2/#more-165194
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My band, Night Windows, released an album with Pilkington 06.05.15 here:
blackrdrecords.com
nightwindows.bandcamp.com

credits

released June 23, 2015

Produced by Ben Hughes.
Recorded in various locations throughout the tri-state area between 2008 & 2010 with Garageband, a USB Mic Mate, an Audio Technica condenser mic.
Engineered & Mixed by Ben Hughes.
Mastered by Ryan Buzby.
All music performed by Ben Hughes.
All songs written by Ben Hughes (Benjamin Hughes ASCAP).

Photo by Jessica Hughes
Art by Ben Hughes.

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Ben Hughes New Jersey

"...channels musicians like Elliott Smith, Bright Eyes, and Sufjan Stevens, as on Hughes’ previous releases. But this record immediately calls to mind Pedro the Lion’s Control, with its deep-voiced chords and melodies, lyrical themes of corporate hell, and Hughes’ slurring voice. It could stand as a complimentary album to Control just as well as it stands on its own."

-Nick Tate, WXPN
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